Old Injury

When I was a teen, I injured my knee playing football. Yep, you heard me right. Football. Church youth group. Boys vs. girls. It was stupid, but fun. I've had recurring problems ever since. Nothing serious, just soreness or a quick giveaway on stairs. Just a reminder that once it was hurt.

Three years ago I developed a severe case of tendonitis in my right foot after the first day of my first MS Challenge Walk. I had walked just 22 miles that day. I would only walk an additional 28 miles over the next two days. It was about 2 months after the Challenge Walk before I walked normally and without pain. It isn't unusual even now for me to feel pain in that foot. Just a reminder that once it was hurt.

Twenty-two years ago a got married to a man who over the course of our marriage would teach me the meaning of doubt and fear. He shattered my trust and destroyed my self-esteem. He didn't physically abuse me, although it was getting close. There was a hole in the wall, a door torn from its hinges, and an ominous habit of cleaning his guns when he was angry as warning signals. The day that I left our home for good, I barely escaped. Had it not been for his brothers and mother physically restraining him, I'm sure he would have hurt me then. That was 14 years ago. The divorce was final 12 years ago. A lot of healing has taken place since. A lot. But that phone call from him on Halloween, that all too familiar edge in his voice, the knots of fear in my gut - all are evidence of an old injury. I'm better now. Really. It was just a reminder that once I was hurt.

Facing Down the Bogeymen

Halloween isn't easy for my youngest little pumpkin. While she loves dressing up and of course loves the candy, the sight of a scary mask makes her whimper and cry. This started two years ago when she was just four. We were enjoying the early, still-daylight Small Town downtown trick-or-treat when she spotted her first Grim Reaper mask. She ducked behind me and buried her little face in my legs crying, "No, Mama! No, Mama!" The kid wearing the mask had a kind heart. He saw that he had scared her and he took off the mask and said, "Hey now - I'm just a kid! See!" Even with the mask off and the kid trying to make amends, she was still a trembling wreck. We made a beeline for home, Emily in my arms (and goodness, she was a heavy 4-year-old) with me scouting ahead for scary masks. I would tell her to put her head on my shoulder and close her eyes when one approached. When we finally got home I sent Rosemary out with Ian and I stayed home, doing my best to distract a frightened child from her memories of scary things.

Last year she refused to go trick-or-treating on Halloween. No amount of reassuring her that there were just regular people behind the masks could change her mind. She opted instead to go to the high school football game with her sitter while I took her brother around for candy. He, of course, promised to share his stash with her.

This year looked to be a repeat of the same. A few weeks ago we walked through the costume section of a local department store. We turned the corner of the aisle with all the masks and she immediately began whimpering, "No, Mama. No." We quickly changed routes and she kept looking suspiciously over her shoulder, just in case. Then something happened. She announced a few days ago that she wanted to trick-or-treat. She said she wasn't afraid anymore. And so tonight we set out, the four of us, to explore our new neighborhood. Let me tell you, this is THE place to be on Halloween! Friendly neighbors, fun decorations, and tons of kids! She did amazingly well. She held onto my hand firmly for the first few houses, then she gained a little courage. We did encounter a couple of costumes that caused her to jerk back with a "No, Mama!" but as soon as I strategically placed myself between her and the offending costume, she calmed down. We skipped the houses that had scary music, strobe lights, or haunted houses in the garage. (I tell you, they go all out in this neighborhood!) I would say the night was a great success - at least as long as we make it through the rest of the night with no nightmares.

Me? I encountered a bogeyman from my past tonight. Rosemary's dad called her on her cell while we were out. I could tell the conversation was not going well and eventually she just handed her phone to me. My conversation with him did not go well either. I stood my ground with him, but it ended with him threatening to see me in court before he hung up on me. After 12 years of being free from that hell of a marriage, I am ashamed to say that the man is still capable of making me nauseous - physically sick and shaking like jello inside. WTF?! Surely I should be beyond this by now, but no.

Had the encounter ended like that, I would probably still be sick and shaking. But Rosemary, God bless her soul, is not afraid of her dad in the same way I am. She called him back and gave it to him for hanging up on me. When he cussed her, she hung up on him. It shook her for a minute, then she tackled things in the manner of communication with which she is most comfortable - texting. I am amazed at the conversation she had - firm, very firm, but not disrespectful. When he demanded that she have me call him she refused, saying that first of all I was not going to fight with him and second, it wasn't about me it was about them. Every time he tried to pull me back into the middle she refused to let him. She laid out the issues between them, reminding him that she is just 6 weeks away from turning 18 and that she can speak for herself just fine. And you know what? She really can!

The bogeymen were out tonight. When they threatened my littlest daughter, I stepped in between her and them and protected her. When they threatened me, my oldest daughter stepped in and protected me. I am humbled and amazed - and very, very thankful.

My little girls are growing up.

Good Ole Days

I love laid-back, quiet Friday nights at home. After a busy week and a wild-and-crazy Halloween celebration day at school (with WAY too much sugar), the kids are actually curled up together looking at their yearbook from their old school in Small Town, remembering their old friends and retelling stories from kindergarten. Ah - those were the good ole days!

And Another Thing . . .

I learned something very important by leaving town this weekend. I learned that I don't want to make many more solo trips. Here's hoping that Coach will be packing his bags soon so we can introduce him to the adventures of life on the farm. And no, we won't make him help deliver any baby calves like my dad had to yesterday. . . maybe. ;) 

Home Again

I had a good visit this weekend with my parents at the farm. It was relaxed and enjoyable. The kids ate up all the grandparent attention. My mom, who recently had a pacemaker put in, seems to be recuperating well. It is a bit of a wake-up call to realize that my parents aren't as young as they used to be and to see the evidence of aging. Dad showed me their calendar between now and Christmas - at least one doctor's appointment (and often more) for at least one of them every single week between now and Christmas. Wow.

I was thrilled to have a couple of opportunities to have quality time alone with my dad. There has been very little of that for a very long time due to all kinds of extenuating circumstances - my sister's illness and death, our family's particular grief process, Mom's various and frequent illnesses, the needs of the kids, etc. Dad and I have always been close and I've really missed time with him.

Yesterday morning we saw a dog running near my aunt's house that looked just like Scratch! The resemblance to a younger version of my sweet companion was unreal. I wanted so much to open the truck door and let it in. I think my mom, who was driving, may have actually hit the accelerator to make sure I didn't. If I had seen that dog again, I probably would have brought it home with me. I so miss my canine companion.

My two youngest children got to witness their first live birth - the birth of a very large calf. Rosemary has seen dozens of births. Then again, she lived her first 5 years on the farm and until we moved to the coast we were there frequently. Emily and Ian have enjoyed seeing the baby calves, but had never seen one born. It has been interesting to watch them process what they saw. They knew that babies are in a mommy's tummy and as best they knew they came out through the tummy. Now they know better! Emily is still thinking a lot about the experience. Just this morning she asked Rosemary how she got cleaned up after she was born. I think she was greatly relieved to learn that Mama didn't have to lick her clean like the Mama Cow did! LOL!

We got back home around 10 last night. On the road we listened to the 2nd half of the Clemson game and celebrated like crazy that BIG win. And yes, I kept the car between the lines on the highway while doing the victory dance. Eventually all the kids fell asleep and I had to find ways to entertain myself. When the songs on the radio started making me sleepy, I changed stations and listened to that other SC team play. Sorry Vandi. I was pulling for you!

The cats were relieved to see us back home. They didn't punish us too badly for leaving them, although one of them did come into my bedroom about every 2 hours during the night to meow loudly at me. Payback, I guess. That's a cat for you!

I had some difficulty making the mental transition back to my work. We didn't unpack last night, so we were running late because we couldn't find anything this morning. I'm very particular about having everything lined up just right prior to worship, and I somehow missed a few details. I doubt anyone else noticed, but it kept me off-balance. No biggie to anyone but me. It was, as always, a long Sunday. Good, but long. But I'm excited to be back. I have a few projects in mind that I'm ready to tackle this week. Life is good. Home is good.

So What's the Deal?

I've been terrible about writing my blog since moving to this beautiful City by the Sea. It certainly isn't for a lack of things that are bloggable. Call it lazy, or distracted, or whatever - I just have written very little.

So with that in mind, why on earth am I in the process of developing one and maybe two additional blogs?! I'm building a pastor's blog for the church. I'm also considering a family blog, mainly for the benefit of my parents who are not and will never be Facebook people.

I write this blog under a pseudonym, something that may be unnecessary now since the few who read it know who I am. Still, there is a feeling of safety with that. I'm a bit attached to Preacher Mom. It will feel strange to venture out without her safety net. I won't abandon her - at least no worse than I already have. I'll just add on and hope that I can become a bit more productive with my writing.

Geez! What am I thinking?!

Going "Home"

The kids and I will be loading up the mommy-mobile and heading back to the Upstate tomorrow to visit my parents. It's my first trip back since July.

I'm ready to see my parents. Mom has had some health issues and had a pacemaker put in last week. I know she misses us - especially the little ones.

I'm hoping for some one-on-one time with Dad. Since Mom's been banned from riding in the bumpy pastures for awhile, maybe that will be my opportunity. It's calving season on the farm - one of my favorite times!

I live on the coast now. I haven't noticed much if any change in leaf colors here. Don't know if that comes later or if it just doesn't happen here. I look forward to seeing some pretty fall colors.

I hope to be able to spend a little time with my nutty cousin MeMe.

Maybe I'll get to sit on the thinking rock in the middle of Happy Hollow.

I'm NOT looking forward to having to deal with my ex while we're there. The distance from him has been wonderful!

We were going to come back home on Saturday via Small Town so that Rosemary could see her BFF and I could see my buddies B & B. Unfortunately, it looks like her BFF is coming down with the flu. Chances are good that we'll skip the Small Town visit this time around. You might be amazed to know how much of a relief that is for me. Considering that I resisted leaving the place for such a long time, I have NO desire to go back yet, even for a visit. None. Is that normal?

Yes, the farm is always "home" in the bigger sense of the word. It's land that's been in the family for, like, forever. It's my parent's home. It's been Thanksgiving and Christmas destination my entire life (although that may change this year).

But really, home is where the heart is. While my current house is not a permanent home for us, this city, this church, this environment has quickly become our home. I'll be happy to go "home." I'll also be very happy to come back home.